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Sunday, June 21, 2015

The Loneliness of an Entrepreneurial Mind

I wake up in the morning, get ready for the office, park the car in front, enter through the sliding doors, a cool crisp breeze accompanies me, as a warm tingle inside from the calming colors on the walls seeps in. I sit in my chair, relaxing my back for a few quick seconds, take a deep slow breath before I start the day, before the craziness continues where it left off the day before. And then the day begins, filled with meetings, excitement, awkward silences, nerves and constant ups and downs.

I see it. I see it all… The offices, the interior design, the mood, the people. I can feel it in my bones. I can almost touch it.

But none of it exists yet. None of it is real. It’s all in my head – this imaginary future that feels so real and yet is still a little too far to acknowledge as fact.

I see it all
Is this what it means to be an entrepreneur? To imagine a future so distant in reality but so close in your mind? To feel like saying your thoughts out loud will make others look at you with a polite but crooked smile, unable to deal with your irrational desires. To believe in something so much, that never mind how many bumps along the way threaten to slow you down – you somehow use those very same bumps to speed up, as if they were reward points in a video game, making a Bink sound as you swallow them whole.

There is so much pain in trying to grow your own business. Every time something seems to be working, something else breaks down and needs your attention. Nothing ever gets 100% of your time. You work day and night, not knowing if what you’re working on is even right – if what you choose to focus on is the correct next step. 

You make mistakes. You spend money where money should not have been spent.
You hate yourself for it.

You hire outside help. You get advice. You don’t like the advice – it’s not the right one. You ignore it. You keep pushing forward with what feels right, inside your mind. 

No one is there to make sure you’re doing your job. No one is pressing you on to reach the monthly quota. No one knows what you’re really doing. You try to describe it to people, to friends and family. But they don’t see. They can’t see what you feel inside. No one can. They don’t imagine the future as you do. They can’t see the colors on the walls of the future office you have built in your mind.

And so you are left alone. But the irony of it all is that you feel quite at home in your mind. You kind of like it in there. It’s where all things make sense. Where foresight is perceived as reality. And the reality is of your choice. You sometimes wish you could share it with someone. But you realize with time, that the only way to make others see the future with you, is to make the future come alive -- to turn it into reality. 

27 comments:

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